Maybe I thought it was opposite day?

This past December, fully aware that we were in a massive recession, I quit the non-profit job I had been at for a little over two years. I don't really feel like getting into the details of the job or the reasons I quit, but I basically just felt continuously uninspired and disinterested, and I felt that I wasn't providing the best attention I could to my clients. So, I quit.

At the time it felt a little scary, but ultimately liberating. Now, about two and a half months later, I'll be starting a new job in a week working for the 2010 census. (at left, a census-taker in 1930)

While I started to get real worried as my savings dwindled, I didn't regret quitting my job. I felt like an idiot for doing it, but I didn't regret it. I was half-heartedly searching for jobs in my "field," but honestly, if I wanted to stay in my field I wouldn't have quit my job.

The jobs that I feel most qualified for, at least the professional ones, are jobs in the non-profit sector at organizations with some aspect of social justice in their mission. But something feels off to me about making a career out of working in an industry that, on a certain level, is based on there always being problems. The auto industry is based on the premise that people will continue to buy cars, the clothing industry is based on the premise that people will always by clothes, and the non-profit industry is based on the premise that there will always be these issues that need to be dealt with. Of course, there always will be issues that need to be dealt with, but to make a career out of it feels wrong to me in some way. This isn't to discount the amazing work that a lot people do, but I don't know if it's for me.

And then there's the larger issue that I chafe at the idea of having a career or a field at all, but I also feel like I should and want to commit myself to something. I never want to stop acquiring new skills and having new experiences, but I also want to be rooted in a place and develop an expertise in something.

I want to impress people when they ask me what I do, but I don't want my employment to be inextricably tied to my work, to what I do with my life. Until I moved to New York, I would always try to answer that ever-present question with something other than what I do to make money. Until then, I never considered what I did to be synonymous with my job. In fact, I made damn sure that it wasn't. Then I moved to New York, and for two years I was able to answer the what-do-you-do's with a respectable profession that often elicited responses of "that's great, it must be really rewarding," or at the very least, "that sounds really interesting." And while it was rewarding and interesting, it didn't feel any more rewarding or interesting than when I was living in Olympia, working odd jobs, volunteering with different groups all around town, and still having plenty of free time to experience life. I felt like a fraud, like I was lying to myself and to the people around me. There were a lot of positives that I took from that job, but by the end I wanted to yell, "this isn't me! I'm sick of pretending to be a goddamn young professional!"

I know the grass is always greener, and I fully remember that a big part of why I moved to New York in the first place was because my life felt so scattered in Olympia, and I wanted something to focus on. Also, worrying about making rent sucks. alot. But after my two-plus year experiment of respectable employment, I've come to the conclusion that that shit ain't me. At least not for now. I don't want to work random meaningless jobs for the rest of my life, and I don't want to always be just scraping by, but I'd rather get my hands a little dirty and have to hustle a bit more and feel alive than be comfortable while feeling my soul get sucked out of me.

I know that these sentiments aren't ground-breaking by any means. I know that it's a privilege to have the choice to choose your profession, let alone whether or not you even want to have one. But this is where I'm coming from right now, and it's what colors the way I'm thinking about work and my future. Who knows? Maybe I'll fall in love with the census, and become a statistician or a career-man at the Department of Commerce. Or maybe I'll go crazy and spend the rest of my days wandering the streets, counting everyone I pass.

Next Time: A review of jobs I've had: the good, the bad, and the geo (pronounced gooey)

xo,
mj