So after starting the drive up to Goshen on Friday, I got a call from my boss again saying that he had found someone else to drive the truck down. This was great news, except that I was already in the Bronx at this point, so I turned around and went back home and took a 45 minute nap, which felt great. The day actually ended up not going too terribly once we finally got going. Mystery driver #3 ended up being a guy named Drew who actually possesses a CDL (commercial driver's license) and was totally down for doing whatever he needed to do to help out. Thank you Drew. You have redeemed my view of the work ethic of the entire workforce of Orange County, NY. Seriously, who says they will show up for a new job and then just decides to not do it? Especially in a situation when it is very clear that you are being depended on. I guess the problem is that we've put ourselves in a position where we need to rely on completely new hires just to get the job done in the most basic way.
But despite all of this, I'm actually feeling good about things. I'm having a meeting with my boss tomorrow morning in which I plan to get a clear picture from him of what I can expect in terms of making this job worth my while. I think he's got this wacky idea that despite all the madness, low pay, etc., I'm in it for the long haul no matter what. And while I do feel a certain amount of commitment to the company and our mission, I think it's time that I am showed an equal amount of commitment.
After much frustration the past months (year?) over knowing that I need to make a plan out of my life but not feeling any pull in any certain direction, I'm starting to see a path laid out in front of me that seems to make sense. In a lot of things, and particularly when it comes to work, I have a tendancy to feel that I need to get out cold turkey right away as soon as I conclude that the situation is not right for the future. This tactic has its pros and cons. When I quit UHAB (my non-profit housing job) I felt that I couldn't have the space while at the job to plan out a next step so I just quit without a plan and spent the next three months or so frittering away my savings and doing only vague planning. While I refuse to regret that decision based on the positive effects it had on my soul, it sure put me in a hell of a financial whole that I'm working on digging myself out of. For the last month or so I've been feeling that I need need need to have an out from this job, and maybe NYC as a whole, right now, but I also knew that I couldn't do it with the financial position I had put myself in. More importantly though, I've known deep down that just picking up shop and leaving isn't what I want to do anymore. If I really wanted to I could quit my job tomorrow, decide I'm moving to Arizona, and feel confident that I was going to land on my feet. But the reality is that I'm 27 years old, and while I don't want to abandon any of my carefree outlook on life, I do want to enter a shred of thinking about the future into my frame of reference. That's been a hard pill for me to swallow, but I finally feel comfortable thinking about things that way. I think.
So then it comes down to what do I want to do. And I'm still not sure about that yet, but I'm feeling a little clearer in my process. I've been thinking about grad school a lot, but I'm leaning away from that. There isn't a subject that I specifically want to pursue, or a specific job that I want that I need to go to grad school for. I was thinking that I should just study something I'm interested in and hope that it would lead me somewhere good, but I think I have to admit to myself that I'm just not a school person, at least not just for the sake of being in school. I love learning, but the idea of going to school for two or three years and racking up tons of debt (on top of the debt I already have) without an end goal in mind sounds terrible.
Then I was kicking around the idea of just trying to get some seasonal work in the southwest somewhere so I could save some money and have some time to reflect or find a farm/ranch-type place to work or volunteer for a while. But I've already done the farming thing, and while it was a great experience I know that it would just be a time filler. And as for the seasonal work, would I really be happy in the middle of nowhere (even if it is beautiful) waiting on people at a guest ranch? Not bloody likely.
There was also the option of picking up and moving back to Olympia where I know and love people and would certainly be welcome back with open arms and could probably even crash on a couch or two for a month while I find work. I have to admit, this is an amazingly attractive option, but I think ultimately it would feel like a defeat, like I was giving up and moving backwards.
So what now? Phase I is to talk to my boss and figure out if in the very near future I will be able to get more money (read: enough money to live), better hours, and insurance. If not, I begin looking for a job that will provide me with some combination if not all of the above necessities, and I don't worry too much about whether or not it is a job that I care passionately about. That's taking care of the short term. Phase II is to continue to look into long-range plans. What I'm feeling excited about right now is enrolling in a Maritime Industry training program, probably next fall. The idea of working aboard boats has always been intensely appealing to me, and the time I've spent on boats (mostly sail boats) has made me felt great. There is a Maritime Technology program at Kingsborough Community College that actually looks pretty perfect. Phase III: Success!! For an illustration, see below:
Will I actually pursue this without getting discouraged? Who knows? But either way I'm feeling like I've got my head screwed on straight about this shit for the first time in a while, and it's an exciting feeling.
Okay. I think I've gotten my processing out of my system for a while, so next time I write I'll try to continue to compile the last of past jobs, from tutoring high school students to combing the beaches for incredibly fallic clams to fighting the good fight for low-income housing in NYC. Huzzah!
xo,
mj
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